我是咸鱼

“人如果冇梦想，同条咸鱼有咩分别啊”

每次听到这一句话，我都觉得有一点被冒犯的感觉，还是说是我自己不争气呢？

看到他们对梦想的热诚，执著和奋斗时，那种散发出来的光芒，是可以打击你的负能量的。这种时候就会问问自己，你在干嘛啊

说真的，我不知道我在干嘛，我也不知道我是不是在为我的梦想在做些什么

到底什么是梦想？一定是要很伟大的吗？不要觉得我问着很无聊的问题。你们有些一定会觉得，梦想不一定要伟大啊。那，我曾经的梦想是组织一个幸福的家庭，可是我得到的回应是： ‘ 哦  ‘，

或没什么反应。不像有些人说，我的梦想是要环游世界，人家的反应就是不同，通常就会真的像环游世界那样聊得天南地北。

我遇到的人都很会聊的，可是当说到我的梦想竟然就无言。所以，不是说了梦想就是要伟大吗？可是要有幸福的家庭，在现在的社会，何而不算是伟大呢？

首先你要找到一个对你忠心的男人，这已经是人生最大难题了。也许你会觉得我保守，可是对我来说幸福家庭的第一条件就是不离婚。啊如果离婚了就根本不可能会有小孩了啊，哪来家庭。

那，你幸福家庭的定义，又是怎样的呢？

事.情

  

      我的感情，一路走来，说好不好，说坏不坏。只知道曾经最好的，已变成过去。而在放手的那一刻，我仍然相信着。

      一直以来，我没向任何人交代我的感情事，就算外界的流言蜚语已铺满天。因为别人要怎么扭转是非，你也无法阻止，你的解释只会让你更讨厌，所以，算了吧。

      当然，我不是圣人，我也不是什么好人，因为我曾经不忠，虽然这个世界，这种事情已没什么大不了，到最后可不可恨，只是看当时的人要怎么想。

     话说在前头，不忠的人绝对是不对的那个，可是我总是觉得感情会出问题，不是一方面的问题，除非对方绝对众所皆知的好人。所以我真的很想问，一段感情，到底是想争取为感情付出的错，还是对感情没付出什么的人有错呢？

      每个人都对爱情抱着不同的想法，而对我来说，感觉上爱情是出了亲情以外最重要的，因为对一个女人来说，离开了娘家，就是另一个家的开始。很久以前，我想要爱一个人，可以到永远，可是原来在我18岁的时候，这个社会已不是这么走的了，更别说是现在。虽然我还一直相信着，因为我父母和我姐和姐夫，是有这个童话的。所以我也一直都在寻找那个可以和我走这一世的人。

      感情，不是以自己的角度对另一半好就是付出，而是了解另一半要的是什么，或迁就对方和自己的不同一起生活，才算是付出。付出不是给的物质越好，付出就越多。

      说了那么多，我也已经不知道自己在说什么了。我只能说，该还的，我已经还完了，甚至于还要靠自己对之前所受到的言语暴力疗自己的伤。所以，请不要再因为一方面的故事而去厌恶另一个人，因为你永远不会知道，真正的故事是怎么回事，你也不会知道，他们经过的，是什么事情。

我呢？ I Lost Myself

星期五的早晨，听着Christina Aguilera的 You Lost Me, 又情绪化了吗？又好像不是。难道每一件事一定要有一定的答案吗？

It's Friday morning, and I am listening to Christina's You Lost Me. Am I being emo again. I guess not. Must there be a must in everything?

我还记得，以前的很多事情，现在好像都不一样了。相信每个人都一样吧，包括我自己。一如往常的，也许一个人的一句话，一天内发生的事情，或一样不起眼的东西，会让我的一些坚持多年的想法，突然改变。
Things are not the same anymore compare to last time. I guess everyone it's the same, don't we? As it always happened to me, sometimes, a single word, a sentence, a case, a tiny little things will change my mind, in a seconds, in a minutes, which I actually been holding it for years.

而我现在最喜欢的一句话就是 ‘别把话说在前头’。
Never says never, this is the sentence I love it so much at the moment.

以前的我，一直都希望越开结婚，有个家最好。但因为一句 ‘别因为结婚而结婚'，我改变了，变得好像对婚姻有恐惧症。但我却没放弃过爱情。
I used to be someone that wanted to have a family asap. But 'dont get marry because you wanted to get marry', I've change. Now I seems to have phobia towards commitment. But still I never give up on love.

以前的我，省得连用一块钱好像一百块.现在虽然不是赚很多，当然也不是乱用钱，但可以感觉得到我更舍得了，因为我想对自己更好。为什么，就只觉得，存那么多钱，万一一天突然不在了，或真的会有2012，那。。。不是很浪费吗？并不是说我相信有2012的传说，我只是觉得地球真的生气了，而我也赞同它来惩罚我们人类。而我也知道，一个人努力的环保，是比不上10个人的浪费，虽然我是不会放弃的。
I used to use 1 ringgit like 100 ringgit. But no more stingy like last time, although I am not earning much right now, and of course I dont spend like hell. But, who knows when is our last day in the world? who knows whether there is 2012? Now I spend 100 ringgit like 100 ringgit, I wanted to treat myself better, no regrets no more. It's not that I believe the myth of 2012, but I just felt that the earth it's angry on us and so I agree that the earth wanted to punish the human. Also, I know that one person's hardwork can never defeats teamwork, although I have not give up yet.

以前的我，爱幻想，爱不切实际的人事物。现在的我变得更实际，也更懂得面对现实。很多时候，很多事情，我并不是想逃避，我只是不想完全接受这世界的残酷，但这就是说生存之道。
I used to dream, alot. But now I became more practical, and face the reality better. There's many times, many things, I would prefer to avoid it, cause I don't wanna accept the ugly truth of the world. But this is life.


我知道星期五是大家感到开心的日子，但现在我这么写并不时代表着我不开心哦。就只因为有感触，而这一首动听的歌点缀了我。
I know everyone should be happy on a Friday, but well...I wrote this doesn't mean that I am not happy, just have some thoughts suddenly, and the song caused me.

如果你看了这篇文章后，觉得我很矛盾，那我就成功了,
I've made it, if you think that I am so ambivalent after you finish this article.

因为这世界不一定有一定的。
There's no certainties in this world.

开始等于结束，结束等于开始 The beginning its the end, the end its the beginning

开始等于结束，结束等于开始

The beginning its the end, the end its the beginning.

灯光带我入眠，黑暗让我活在这个世界

The light bring me to dreams, the dark brings me to see

坦白不一定让我有人缘，欺骗却会带我到另一个世界

The truth might not bring me well, the lies will bring me out of the shell

打开接受不一定，没收接受了沉静

I accept the unsure, I'm quiet for the affirmation

白模糊了我的焦点，黑让我看清楚了这个世界

White distract my focus, black let me know the world

速度让我活在回忆里，停止带我走向未来

Quickness bring me to my memories, suspend lead me to the future

正不常带我去理会，反而让我去接触

I have to ignore the positive, I decided to face the negative

面对忘了我自己，逃避带领我回去

I'm blur when I confront, I'm clear when I evade

快乐会让我流泪，悲伤带着我微笑

Happy makes me cry, sadness make me smile

完美让我避开危险，缺点让我饱受安全

Perfection brings me dangers, imperfection brings me secure

自信表露无疑，自卑无处挑剔

self-confidence reveal undoubted, inferiority is critical

手心握住空气，手背掌握权力

The palm holds the air, the other holds the power

信任带给我伤心，怀疑能让我安定

I'm sad when I trusted, I'm glad that I doubted

遥远让我感觉到你，触动让我有距离

I can feel when you are far, I cant feel when I can touch

水让我像个树枝有落叶，火让我想尽办法离开这世界

water bring me to live, fire bring me to to die

珍惜让我更贪心，放弃让我更坚定

Value makes me more greedy, but relinquish affirmed me

开始等于结束，结束等于开始

The beginning its the end, the end its the beginning.

这，就是活

This, is life

累

好累，为什么这人生道路必须走的那么累。但，我还是会走下去，因为没有选择。

醒了！真的醒了。常像个小孩那样，希望，渴望被人爱，但原来要别人爱，比爱自己更难。

因为只有自己最了解自己。人都是自私的，都只会帮自己说话。要全世界的人都赞同自己说的话，我也不例外。但你赞不赞同，我真的不介意，因为我认命。

借口？不是借口，难道我该反驳吗？有用吗？除非你有办法去走我走过的路。并么有什么大不了的人生，但至少拿可以让你知道，我到底是怎样的一个人，我到底是什么心态。因为我一直都相信，每个人都不一样，因为每个人都有着不同的背景。

Tired, of walking this path, but I will, cause I have to.

I’m awake, totally awake. Though to live like a kid, hope and desperate that people can love me. But wanted someone to love us, it’s harder than we love ourselves.

Only we understand ourselves. Everyone are selfish, only talk for ourselves. Including me, that we hope the whole world can agree on what we said. But do I really care that you don’t agree? No, cause I don’t care.

That’s not excuses because it’s useless to debate or defend. Only if you know what I have been through. Nothing much about it, but at least you knows who and what I am. And I always believe, what makes you you.

make up or not

Let's go straight to the topic...shall we...

With n without make up, and heavy make up and no make up.so here comes the prob. Does that really matter?

ok la, I think heavy make up may be categorize under no make up loh...why? cause both are scary. But how people define heavy make up? wearing a fake eye lashes to the beach...or with light make up to the beach...ya I know..the answer is, we dont need to wear make up to the beach...but people did wear make up to the beach nowadays..and I dont think its a crime if they do so...although I dont

BUT again, let us recap why we should not wear make up to the beach? WHY? cause we will get wet, so whats the point of having make up? or another simple answer, why we even wear make up to beach...ok..cut the crap

another point is...they always said, there's no ugly woman but lazy woman...then now said walao, so big diff before and after make up...but if there is no diff...what's the point to wear make up?

Actually I do agree with some points where, we memang dont need to wear heavy make up..but remember what people always tell us?

C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.C.E

Make up is only one of the tool take make some of us AT LEAST have some confidence, so why not. Some will have confidence by showing their cleavage, some show their legs, some show their hair and whatsoever...as long the point is to have confidence. but not for all la cause weekend I dont wear make up not because I am confidence, just because I am lazy when I have to wear make up to work for 5 days...because that makes me looks more 'lively' (stupid panda eyes T_T)

Plus u tell me, which girl doesnt like to look pretty? since young lets say 3-5? she even know she want to wear nice dresses. until 60something...they still will use skin care products...if there's a scar on the face...no matter what age we are on...WE MIND!

Conclusion? well, the only thing I can say is...we cant care too much of what people say. Just do what u like as long u did not kill, steal or affect others physically (or maybe mentally too).

P.S FYI, natural make up doesnt mean it's really a light make up (if u get what I mean), cause they usually use hell lots of ding ding dong dong to cover up. Google it :p

说。。。 says...

他说:“如果要我放弃你，是不可能的事。但如果你要放弃我，我会被迫的支持你。因为如果你遇到了 更适合的人，你会开心。如果你开心，我就会开心。”

我哭了

他说:" 就算你有男朋友，我也愿意等。因为我想你当我永远的女朋友。

我没回答。

他说：“我会永远爱你。看不出吗?除了你，我还能有谁?

我被感动了(真天真)

他说：“我答应你，我是不会骗你的。无论发生什么事，我都会告诉你的。

我竟然相信了。

他说：“我不能再更喜欢你了，因为我喜欢你已超出极限了。

我才知道什么是甜言蜜语。

其实分得出哪个是真心的，哪个只是甜言蜜语吗?

从小到大，身为一个女生很自然的，听到的甜言蜜语太多了，从来都不相信，因为觉得很假。但竟然没想到，真诚的甜言蜜语才是最可怕的。

就是不明白，为什么女人就是那么容易被男人的甜言蜜语被骗去。而我也逃不过神所创造这个女人的命运。

He said: It is impossible that I will leave you. But if you want to give up on me, I will have to

support you. Because I know you will be happy if you found someone better. And if you are happy, then I will be happy.

I cried.

He said: Even that you have a boyfriend, I willing to wait. Because I want you to be my girlfriend forever.

I'm speechless

He said: I love you forever. Can't you see? Other than you, I have no one else.

I'm touched (innocently)

He said: I promise you, I wont lie to you. No matter what happen, I will tell you everything.

I actually believed it.

He said: I cant like you more. Because I like you much more than maximum d.

By then I know what are sweet talks.

Can you differenciate which is by sincere and which is fake?

Since young, as a girl which like the other girls, sweet talks are something that we will hear alot. But I never will believe because they sounds so fake. But actually the sincere sweet talks are more scary.

I dont understand, why ladies are so easy to trap by guys' sweet talks. And I think have no way to avoid a God's creation as a lady

they were there before

In my previous post, I mention that I have few thoughts, in chinese we call it 感触. During the time when I have allthese thoughts, I asked myself, eh...I think when I having the same experience at the same place (e.g Spore), I have these thoughts before also. What I can remember of the main thoughts are these:

1. upper class (atas) with lower class
no offence to Sporen, people always say Sporen kiasu (afraid of losing). I think in a way that can be explain. Long long time ago, Spore was one of the state of Malaysia, but also long time ago, it became independent, until now, I consider it as a succesful country. On the other way, because of the country is improving, the locals will improve as well.

Why are allthese are related to my sub-topic. It is because my mom's side relative are Sporen (my mom 'was' Sporen). I not saying they kiasu, but for sure upper class. Not all of them but most of them. From last time till now, I can see few big differences between upper class n lower class. I take my aunt n uncle for example. They are rich, can see from their lifestyle n stuff. Not saying they are not kind and all, they are...generous also, spent us eat nice food and treat us good as well. But still, I feel the barrier. Not that I create the barrier between with the upper class, but if u r in my shoe before, u will know what I am trying to say. Cause this kind of feeling never happen when I visit my relative of my dad's side (which is from Ipoh (bandung) - a state of Msia) Maybe because it is more like a kampung-kampung place compare with Spore. So, I dunno how 2 explain la, I dont feel the barrier with them, only something seems like a barrier is the way I respect them. But we will hug, talk more like a family rather than a boss or something. These small things maybe some people wouldnt notice, but for me I think that allthese kind of small actions meant alot in the communication between ourselves n others.

2. sisters
I realize something between siblings after my 'research' from other people (not actually research la, just what I usually heard from most people). I am from a big family, cause only siblings I already got 3 of them, 1 elder sis, 1 elder bro n 1 younger bro (very ma fan loh whenever people ask me how many siblings I have, haha).

Let's start with my elder bro first since elder sis will be the main point in this topic. I love my elder bro, of course la I love other of my family members as well. I mean, he is really very considerate, n a nice person (I bet his colleagues n frens will feel this way as well) Maybe we are same type of person also la (my younger bro n elder sis more similiar with each other based on personality n stuff), so he tend to sayang me more. Maybe all the while I dont want accept because I felt that he treat my younger bro the same way also wat. Until recently we talked bout this topic ma, then he say of course sayang u more la, cause gals need more pamper n sayangssss...omg...really la, who is my bro's gf really very happiness wan loh, haha. Anyway, ok loh...from that moment I gotta accept that he sayang me more, but not that much ok compare with my younger bro. So I thought that only my bro is soooo good wan. But then, from what I heard from frens, their elder bro also their favorite sibling as well. So elder bro this position leh can be the favorite sibling...for gals la, I dunno for guys is how.

Then when it comes to elder bro, omg...they are the pain in the arse. They will be the one who always says:" so fat la u; so ugly la u; omg..how can u wear like that, nice meh; so short la u....etc etc etc...n they are also always the one who fight or argue with us. Sometimes rite, their mouth ah, really want to whack gao gao (=enuff x2) on them wan. hahaha, but still, we having the same blood wan loh, so no matter how much we fight, argue n so...we still love each other wan (is that so ah? haha) but when we all grow older, better alot d la, no more fights of course. but still his mouth ah...or only my bro is like tat? ahhaha

elder sis, why this is the main point in this. Cause when I was in Spore, I saw the way that my aunt (my mom's elder sis) treat her (e.g the way she talk to her n treat her), I dunno why I feel kinda hurt, is like...wth...why talk to her like that wan, she is ur sis leh. Then hor, suddenly my elder sis comes to my mind. Cause the way they look down on us, the way they talk (or I should say scold), the way they treat us, I saw the similiarities. Then I try to link back what my frens have told me, the cause of jealousy between gals. Well, most of the gals always have politics prob among their gang because of jealousy ah, this n tat (this will be another topic to be post next time) When my fren say that why my sis treat me like that is because she jealous. Actually till now I also cant accept, cause I still feel that sis is not same as frens cause we having the same bloog. But cant deny that, it can be the reason. I dunno others feel the same way anot cause I seldom got frens got elder sis wan, n I dunno others will feel hurt as easy as me anot, but I think human sure will feel hurt wan loh. HOW she hurts me? hm...like I cut my hair d, she will say, why u cut ur hair like this wan, so ugly la; when I did the temporary tattoo for my eyebrow, she said..yer...so ugly, (asked my bf) see ur gf, dun u think is ugly...n so on. I know the younger bro will say the same thing, but we all know that just because their mouth it itchy...tat's all...but when elder sis say allthese, u will feel like the needle is cucuk-ing the heart. Then I remember there is 1 time, when she is pregnant, when I touch soooo softly on her stomach, she scolded me why press so hard. Ok..fine...I tahan since u r pregnant. but there is 1 time I saw my younger bro using the same strength to touch her stomach (it can be harder cause he is a guy), my sis didnt say anything also. hai...really dunno what to say d...I can continue with lotssss of examples if I want to, but that will be the longest post I ever post here. So I better stop here as the conclusion for this sub-topic

Supposingly I got the third sub-topic. But lazy d la, haha...wait till next time when I am not watching tv n know what details n examples n focus can write first then I post again.

differences between guys n gals in&after love

I think I understand that why people said couples have opposite different personalities only can match each others, because like that they only can help to 'replace' each others' personalities. But I think no need loh, cause based on the character of a guy n a gal is opposite d wat. I have to accept the fact that no matter on behavior, thoughts, guys n gals also opposite wan (in general)

Based on the graph I drew. well..I not simply draw wan ok. It is based on the experience of myself, my frens or far distance frens..even strangers. Of course loh, not every one also have this kind of experience based on your pesonality, or you consider lucky loh. But I think this is based on general la. Or even can be like the guy is in the gal's situation (in the graph)

Still I will explain the graph. When guys cant forget the gal, well...the 1st impression. Usually if you notice this person its kinda hard to not think bout her in ur mind, but at this time gals r usually still being the cool one (gals wat, traditionally gotta be abit矜持), n see see whether this is my type of guy anot. [2] When guys starting to woo, gals will allow the guys to know more bout her (or each other). So if she rejects u d, then I think dont waste time d loh (but some situation diff la, who knows that gal wan u to try few more times)

So, now the guy think he got chance d, of course 'fan san' (put whole attention) to woo her la. But gals still need abit of times. Yea, some gals like guys r aggresive, but u guys should know which kind of aggresive to have loh based on that gal. Will let the guy get closer, maybe like hang out more with him n stuff...but still..not everytime cause still have to keep abit of distance.

Then the gal thinks,hm...this guy not bad. Ok la, now only show the guy that the gal also likes him (but not fully yet). Then the guy will think, now I got such a big chance, of course I wont give up at this time la. I also havent get it, how can give up oh!! Well...I guess the flirting is the only part that both will think the same, in chinese we have a beautiful term for it, which is 暧昧。暧昧is the most beautiful moment to have but also the most dangerous cause is the stage where...er...words cant describe. You will agree with my if u been thru that before. Ok la, so since it is so nice to have loh, mai let it be loh..can tahan how long then be how long. Of course some will want to become couple because like that only got the identity ma.

Ok, so the gal accept d loh, the guy success d. Then the gal will think, ok la, since I accept u d, I can not to worry to like you more. But too bad, because the guy are 'walking too fast', he already shown his love when he start woo until flirting, he already gave alot. So when the gal thinks that whether should 'love' this guy anot. for sure she will, cause at this time the guy still will do everything she wants, to get what he wants (well, whatever la, how I know what every guys want)

So, how...like that la. The guy got what he wants d wat when the gal really love him d. Habis loh, cause the guy already got what he wants, of course ciao loh. But the gal already love him sooo much, so she wants to be more close n stick to him. But at this time the guy want to keep a distance, so he starting to treat her cool, or avoid her. See who cannot tahan to say break up loh. After break up, of course relax loh, spend so much energy n time for u d rite, now gotta rest abit 1st. Unfortunately, how far the gal trying to avoid, she also cant let go and forget.

ladies are hard to understand?

are ladies really tat hard to understand? might be yes, might be not
actually not only ladies are hard to understand but same to guys, and i think the best thing to solve this is to communicate. But how to communicate in a good way is another level. Maybe there are alot of couples improved their relationship, but there might also couples break up after communicate. But, we are still the one who get something, which might be good for us after communicate.

alot of guys always said bout thier partner:" i dun understand why you......" actually shall we think that, that is the thing that we gals wanted guys 2 understand?

frankly speaking, if the gal sincerely love u, she really will give u everything she can(of coz not every gal is the same) gals doenst' really want things which is physically but mentally. ya, maybe guys will felt tat, no...my gf wan me to show other ppl tat i love her, i treat her good, and guys will think tat as long both of us know he treat the gf good...tat's enuff...but some gals might felt tat, y cant u show to others? izit because the guy think is embarassing? tat's y some times, gals want thier bf to do something that they think their bf feel embarassing to do tat think, the more embarassing the guy think and he did for the gf, the more the gf think the bf loves her.

example like a guy taking a bunch of flowers and walking on the street alone, or hang some cute or childish keychain on the cellphone. naturally, gals will quite envy those bf's gf, but at this time, some guys will felt tat,wat for...maybe tat is another part tat guys never understand?

of coz i have to say something good for guys. i have few guy frens, they look not bad, and treat their gf really 1000% good, but at last oso dumped by their gf. i will say to them...forget it, if she really loves u, she will not let a super duper nice gal out of her hand and appreciate u.

hm...maybe some human are "fan zin" (prefer to suffer themselves). If the bf treat the gf good always, maybe tat gf will think is boring, the guy doenst seems like a guy(at least have some ego). and if the guy use to treat the gf good, i think the gf wont appreaciate at all, and maybe felt tat the bf suppose to do so. tat's y sometimes bf should do something not tat good(which u think is not over) to gf, then only she know tat when u treat her good.

actually guys is the same. the more they cant get it, the more they wan it. easiest way, the more u dun care bout him, the more nervous he is.(if he really loves u, and of coz oso depends on the person lah). example like call him every day and nite, suddenly one day dun call him at all...i think tat will be quite effective..haha

one more thing, gals...if u think ur bf treat u good enuff, maybe is until the "spoilt" level, pls remember at least give some thing back, like show tat u really appreaciate tat, not becoz he spoilt u then u take advantage on him. becoz no matter how long the relationship is, one day the guy might not tahan anymore and explode. spoilt, actually is a word tat is more than sayang d, so for gals, spoilt is enuff, but not more than that, if not tat might affect a bad attitude too.

PS: article above is just a personal point of view, so no offence to anyone or no harsh. thanks for finish reading it :)

are you the current or the past?

every girls have one guy they most love, and every guys have one girl they most love (trying to make the sentence longer :p )
have you ever try that being with the one u love, and they r thinking the one they love? it is suffering and not fair, but...wat to do? they r still the one u love most.
giving everything you have for him/her is just wasting time because they wont appreciate and realize it, maybe some of them do and that is when another story started. but how bout those r still not awake and living in the past life?
who is really the suffering wan? the one being love by the recent but love the past? or the one love the current but he/she love the past? but i just know that...the one who being love which is not in the relationship is the one who r most not suffering.